newwrinklethemovie

Rewriting the Narrative on Being an Older Woman

What do Suzanne Somers, Cindy Crawford and Jane Seymour have in common? All of them are selling you “ageless” skin care. And most women are buying it. Maybe not the product but the idea that you are in need of radical repair. It’s the message older women are bombarded with on a daily basis.

I know I have bought into this message on occasion. I’ve probably spent the equivalent of a new car’s worth (new model BMW) of costly skin care products in the last ten years. While I don’t plan on any cosmetic procedures, I have to admit at times I’ve thought about it…especially when the wrinkle free, lip-plumped woman is getting so many compliments from friends. She even brags about how men now are looking at her. The nerve.

Lately I’ve seen many Facebook posts by women of a certain age either fearful, concerned or saddened by looking older. One woman over 50 wrote: Welcome to a new life of being invisible. In fact polls show that what older women fear most about aging is not being noticed or relevant to society.

But here’s the good news. According to a recent New York Times article there are more women over 50 in this country today than at any other point in history. That’s according to data from the United States Census Bureau. These women are healthier, are working longer and have more income than previous generations.

Think about it when you were in your 20’s and 30’s did you have the skills, confidence and self-knowledge that you have now? Were you stressed over things that now when you look back you realize were ridiculous? How much time did you waste wondering if your Butt looked good to men? I know when I was a TV news reporter I wanted to look and sound the part, not actually believing in myself as I do now. I think that’s why I trust older journalists as a whole.

At this age we should be basking in our glory. Most of us still have strong bodies and our confidence and skills are at their peek. We seek love, adventure and knowledge more than ever.

So why do we give in to this idea that we need to look ten years younger? Why are we made to feel bad about who we are because our skin is no longer flawless? There are lots of people getting rich off of older women’s insecurities, which are magnified by advertisers scare tactics. They say, look at these beautiful women (who are airbrushed or creatively filtered to show a youthful face) enjoying life and everyone is ecstatic over their youthful appearance. They are valued because they are still deemed worthy because they, despite the odds, have radiant skin and toned bodies.

The problem with trying to cling to your youth is that you remain focused on the outside to get your sense of self worth instead of evolving into a love affair with who you are on the inside. You are using your time, energy and money to hold on to an ideal that you think gives you value. I bet if we used the money we spent on all the anti-aging products to further a cause (animal welfare, environmental repair, helping the homeless) our country would be much better off. Instead we are giving plastic surgeons, celebrities and the beauty industry billions to “fix” us when we don’t need fixing. We just need to be the amazing women we’ve become over the five decades or so that we’ve been on this planet. We cannot despair over some wrinkled and sagging parts of our bodies. The world needs us to lead and focus on building a more healthy, enlightened and sane society. Our spirits must soar.

We can take our power back by rewriting the American woman’s narrative that to be old is to be invisible. We are stronger than ever. Now is not the time to throw in the towel and say, ok youngsters, take over. You are the stars in life. I had my day. It’s time for a New Wrinkle on aging so let’s get to work.

Women’s Power – on International Women’s Day

Swirling thoughts through my mind about the comments I’ve recently heard from older women, and I wonder why I feel a bit uneasy.  Just to give you an idea, here are some of statements overheard during “innocent” conversations:  I wish I was young and hot again, I’m getting my face and neck done, I feel like such an old hag, nobody’s going to hire me now that I’m in my 50’s, men in their 50’s only want younger women, I wish I could start a new career, but I’m too old, I look in the mirror and get so depressed, nobody looks at me anymore, I feel invisible.

I think you get it. With all these words, why wouldn’t it start chipping away at an aging woman’s soul? I like to use the word aging as it’s a part of reality, not a bad thing, just what happens in the cycle of life.

At 52 I feel I’m at my peak, not disappearing into oblivion.  As older women, we know ourselves so much better than we did when we were 20 something and trying to impress and please people who didn’t even really even matter to begin with.  We’ve now honed our craft to a point that we can teach others and be a valuable asset in our jobs, careers, children’s lives, and whatever we want to produce in the world.  We are at the TOP, not in decline.

Sure, our faces and bodies are changing, that’s a good thing, it’s nature and it’s the essence of being a human being, not a commodity that can only be useful if we are young.

So, on this International Women’s Day, let us proclaim that we are proud of where we are in the cycle of life, that we will no longer speak those words that break us down.  Instead we agree to empower and embolden ourselves and each other, realizing we don’t have to put up with any more crap from society and the media, that we are even stronger and more influential than ever before.

We have the power to create and move forward, not backwards in time wishing we were the new, shiny object on the scene.  Those days are gone, and what a relief to know we

now have the license to kick ass with passion and grace to fall into a life well lived. 

Rewrite your Script

After years of waiting for something amazing to happen to me, I realized the life I had was always happening but it seemed like it would never end. I can’t tell you the amount of years I wasted waiting for the perfect job, man, house, friend, acknowledgements, awards, money. Everything geared toward the outside to validate that I was part of the tribe. My mind was so tangled with the needs, wants and desires of others, I had no clue where to even find mine. It didn’t seem all that necessary as long as long as I looked good on the outside.

Then something funny happened — I turned middle aged, and guess what…ding, ding, ding. No more waiting. This is really it. Next came the question, do I continue living my life like something will suddenly barge into my life and say, ok, now (old) lady, it’s time?

It’s just more of the same except for experiencing more hormone flare-ups aches and pains and wrinkles. It suddenly occurred to me if I wanted anything to change, it would have to be an inside job.

It was despair and relief at once. Fear that I wouldn’t be the cutest girl in the room anymore (people may not even notice me, especially younger ones), many won’t want to know what amazing thing I’ve pulled off, who my new boyfriend is and what concert I just attended.

While I teeter on the boarder I’m about to cross I’m filled with excitement and curiosity.

Aging humbles us, it’s true, but it also awakens us to how precious life is and how very fragile.

I challenge you, should the middle years be a time to shut down or time to finally get started? Should it be time to hang out or to stop messing around? I mean I would like nothing better than to plop down with a bowl of popcorn and watch Family Feud and Judge Judy every night.   But my soul is truly craving more. Souls were encoded to accomplish.

In our hearts, many of us feel that we’re finally really ready to do something radical. Whatever it is we’re here for, we’re itching to do it now.

With what’s going on in the world, there’s more opportunity than ever to get active and creative. The pink pussy hat was probably knitted by a kick ass grandma. On no, no more nice girl, though if that’s in your nature fine, but be authentic at any price.

It’s your last chance to get it right. The generation now experiencing midlife cant stand the thought that this was all for nothing. While we may be depressed that we’re no longer young, were ecstatic that we’re no longer clueless. Remember those prolonged butt stares in the mirror and asking friends how your boobs looked in your low-cut blouse. Does he like me? What will they think of me? Those days are gone. And really, did you ever really like that catcall from a rangy, tobacco chewing construction man hanging from a line anyway?

Now is time to burst forth in your greatness without the encumbrances of wasting time wanting people to like you for being what’s expected, not what’s real.

You might call it the recovery from “youth-it-its”

You are not too old. You are right on time. And you are better than you know.

You can slip back and forth but you can snap out of it

Midlife is our second chance. If you want to spend the years you have left simply reenacting the dramas of your past, you can. The same scrip will indeed be coming around again for your review. It always does.

But if you choose, you can take the script and give it an awesome rewrite, totally get on top of your material and take a bow at the end that blows everyone away or maybe only yourself.

Age Equality

I had a dream last night that I was watching the TV news and instead of seeing only young, flawless fresh-faced women, included in the dialogue were older women with lined, experienced, mature faces.

At first it seemed odd as it’s something you rarely see in mainstream media – except for maybe the token “old lady” with $100,000 worth of plastic surgery. You know who I’m talking about. Mysteriously these people disappear from the screen, like yesterday’s news.

But watching the images and hearing the voices of these brilliant older ladies, I began to feel more comfortable in my own skin, not a sense of fear but a sense of hope. Perhaps I too had more to say despite my collegin-challenged skin.

You might call it age equality.

In this dream, the audience wanted to listen to these women who had been in the trenches, who had covered multiple political campaigns, wars, disasters and had the mental and physical scars to prove it. In other words, they had substance and it meant something, something more than a soft face.

This is not to take anything away from those young, ambitious reporters. I too started out as a TV journalist when I was 22. But that unspoken line drawn in the sand once you’ve reached a certain age – now that you really have something to say – you’re no longer relevant? WTF?

I think of a courageous anchorwoman, Dana King, of KPIX-TV in San Francisco, who had been to Kosovo, Afghanistan, Rwanda, Honduras, Iraq, and too many other places to mention.   But, perhaps her biggest battle since being a journalist of 24 years was to tell her boss she no longer wanted to color her hair.

King serves as an inspiration for women in all industries. By taking one simple act, she chipped away at the current paradigm. It’s something all of us can do in our own way to stand up for age equality.

Strength in Authenticity

I love strong, authentic women who are no longer trying to prove how perfect and well put together they are – no signs of stretched, wrinkle-free faces with large, puckered lips. Somehow it makes me feel more free and courageous enough to withstand what the media bombards us with on a daily basis.

As a television news reporter for most of my adult life, I always tried hard to present myself as the perky, cute blonde. I knew that was what was expected of me and I played the game. So it came as no surprise, when I turned 40, I began to panic. Everything I had known had been based on my youth and looks and to be fair, some smarts were involved.

Then I found myself single in my forties and began dating. That led to this blog and the journey to make a documentary based on the stories of older women, their concerns, fears and inspirations. This is not something talked about in our culture and it’s time to change the paradigm:

San Francisco media critic Jan Wahl sums it up this way:

Old Lady on Board

What is it about calling someone an old lady that is so insulting?  I found myself pondering that question after a man, in one of those monster trucks, attempted to pull into my parking space.  The red-faced, bearded gentlemen then yelled out, “Fuck you old lady.”  Now I didn’t mind the cursing, lord knows I use the “F” word on occasion.  It was the “old lady” part that hit hard.  Keep in mind this man was probably a Donald Trump supporter and had a small wee wee, but nonetheless, I couldn’t shake that remark.

Those two words are designed to be offensive and derogatory.  It brought back the memories of when I was on a date with a guy who told me, at the age of 42, “Women in their 20’s hold the most power.”  He went on to say, “The older a woman gets, the more power she loses.”  I also thought of all the other remarks about older ladies in books (she was on the downhill side of 40), advertisements (you’re only as young as your neck), and the comments actresses get as they age.  Even sweet Star Wars princess Leia had to defend herself against the barrage of hateful tweets from critics who felt the need to tell her she’s aged badly.  The 59-year-old actor replied, “Please stop debating about whether or not I aged well.  Unfortunately it hurts my feelings.” Some comments might be intended as a compliment, such as “you look good for your age,” yet it still sends a message that growing older is an undesirable and frowned upon part of life. 

What if we took this “old lady” thing and turned it around?  Yes, I’m old, so what?  I like who I’ve become and what I’ve accomplished, and I will not be cut down because of our culture’s obsession with youth.  It’s a paradigm shift, that will require women and men, young and old, to pay attention to the words they use.  Also for women not to take offense when a burly man blurts out, “Old Lady,” kindly say, “Thank you.” 

Old is the New Young

As younger women we are taught to fear growing older and we conjure up what we don’t want instead of what we can accomplish later in life. The influence of the media and advertisements are a main reason why we feel this way.

For example, I just opened O Magazine and for the first 12 pages this is what I saw: Infuse Youth; younger looking skin in a flash; erase the look of lines, pores and wrinkles in seconds; age youthfully; time in a bottle – and my personal favorite – you’re only as young as your neck.

Theresa McGuire, a hairdresser in Marin County exemplifies what many women are experiencing. As she is cutting hair, she is peering at herself in the mirror. McGuire says she feels ugly and old as she continuously analyzes her face. Because of her fear of aging, she has had a number of cosmetic procedures done, costing thousands of dollars. She is one of the 15 million Americans that spent $11 billion on cosmetic surgery procedures last year.

So why do we try so hard? It is built securely in our culture that women are never supposed to feel good about their appearance, young or old. And it’s time to change the conversation…that’s why I am in the process of putting a film together called New Wrinkle.

It’s up to us to develop a new game plan. We are at a distinct moment in history when our sheer numbers give us unheard of power in which to change the conversation about aging.